Fear Factor

Some time ago a couple of my friends here in Japan mentioned that they were surprised by how personal my blog is...and ever since then I always think about this before I decide to write. I find myself asking "Is this too personal?" It's kind of annoying actually. I don't really want to start censoring the things I write here. I just want a place to express what I'm feeling...

And so with that I'll tell you about tonight.

After work, I decided to have dinner and go shopping in Kichijoji (two stations away) from Musashisakai. I couldn't bare the thought of returning to my messy postage stamp sized apartment. Given that I've been a wee bit agitated of late, being in my apartment all night would've made me feel like a caged animal. Right now as I type this, I feel the walls closing in. And anyone who knows about my Hard Rock Cafe experience in London knows that I don't take well to small spaces. It doesn't help that my room is a disaster zone. But I just couldn't be bothered - I have space for my yoga mat and for now that's all I need.

Grabbing a bite to eat - is no longer a simple thing for me. It's seems that they add fucking ham to everything in this country. "Hey that apple tart looks good. Oh wait, there's ham on it." I finally settled on an Italian restaurant (surprise, surprise) that I'd never been to before. I took off my coat, sat down, pulled out my book and started reading. I (usually) have no qualms about eating alone at a restaurant - it's a perfectly normal thing to do here, even in a nicer restaurant. My dinner came - shrimp, broccoli fettuccine in a cream sauce. It was pretty good. I was enjoying myself - the book I stared reading was highly amusing - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Russ left it on my desk with a big sticky note on it saying, "You will read this book." (I do have great friends here). Everything was fine until my waiter approached and said very kindly and gently in English "Would you like more water?" At that moment, one sentence fully formed in capital letters appeared in my head, "How many more times are you going to eat dinner alone?"And there it is folks, my one biggest fear rearing its ugly ugly head. You. Are. Going. To. Be. Alone. Foreverrrrrrr!

When I was locked inside the bathroom at the Hard Rock, I knew my friend Nat would soon return with help - but my body couldn't accept that bit of logic and within seconds my heart was racing, I was hyperventilating and crying. My legs were weak and shaky for hours after the event. I know, essentially that my fear of being alone is just as irrational as my fear of being locked in a bathroom (btw for months afterward I couldn't lock the door of any bathroom and my heart still jerks if the door doesn't unlock immediately). But right now that fear has got a good grip of my heart - (although it has loosened since I began writing this entry, which is the reason why I write the personal folks - it makes me feel better).

*and for old time sake - three words were looked up in the writing of this entry.