The Scythe

Essentially I am the same person that I have always been. Only I'm not. Miss Joanne Patricia Givogue. Messy. Barky. Aggressive. Defensive. Sensitive. Ambitious. Creative. Thoughtful. Goofy. These things I will always be (Especially messy). When I returned to Tokyo in September I started ‘Joanne’s Get Real Program.’ September 20 in fact, it’s written right there in my diary. I could show you but you can just take my word for it. The goal of this little program was to (and I’m quoting again) “find out what I really want…no defence, no denial, no fear. I must mention that this little ‘program’ was prompted by none other than Kathy, my no holds barred, tell it like it is, friend. I never consciously ‘worked’ the program. I wrote it down and pretty much didn’t think about it at all. Only that’s another quirk of mine, once something gets lodged in my brain – it’s there. (i.e. moving to Japan). I guess I really did open myself up because over the past few months I’ve had, what I’ve come to think of as ‘flashes of insight.’ These flashes (and few other things) have helped me put a lot of my ‘issues’ away or have helped me to think about life in a new way. I’ve unpacked a lot of the things I’ve been carrying around since my early to mid-twenties. And that feels good. So good. I’m not saying I’m always happy or that I don’t make mistakes. The past few days I’ve had can attest to that. But it goes way deeper than that. I’ve come to realize that where I sit right now is exactly where I want to be. I am living the life that I want. If I am sad, lonely, depressed, confused, conflicted – those feelings are only temporary. I have faith that I can handle them. I don’t fear for my mental health every time I’m feeling down anymore. Nor do I let myself play the ‘why me?’ or ‘what’s wrong with me?’ cards. And yes, there was a time that I did. Often. A while ago I lost faith in myself and I finally feel that I’ve gained it all back again, that’s as plainly as I can put it. And as for what I really want out of life? All that it will give me.